She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
