I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
