This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
