Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
