He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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