I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
