Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
