He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
