guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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