Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
