i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
