Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
As shirtless as possible
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
