instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
