Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
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I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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