Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
