Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
