I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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