this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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