so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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