I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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