There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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