How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
