five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
