i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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