____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I can text with my tongue
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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