people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just invented taco cereal.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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