Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
