I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
