THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
