I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
