I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
