she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
