I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
