I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
