Don't make out with my wife yet
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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