So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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