ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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