on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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