let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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