I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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