Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I came so hard my ears popped.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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