Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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