Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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