He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
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