hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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