Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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