I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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