My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
