I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
