saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
