so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I need moral support for this bender
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
