His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
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At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
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Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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