Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
