stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
