I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
