I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
